How men’s small habits may affect the relationship

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Experts say regularly annoying little things can undermine even the strongest alliance.

If you consider that you have well studied your beloved, it is more likely that you are only considering that, nothing more. Get prepared for the next fifty years full of surprises, and know that not all of them will be pleasant. However, you’ll have to learn to accept them, too.

Mens habits affect the relationship

The soul, even if it is not of a stranger’s, but of a closely and related person, it is an endless corridor with million doors. And while you do not open each of them, you will never really get to know a person. On some doors are hanging huge padlocks, others open only with a pass, and others we even do not notice. Sometimes you go through a familiar corridor, and suddenly – bam! – a closet, out of which falls such things that does not fit into your life’s system values ​​and ideas about happiness. Squinting and pretending that nothing has happened is not a solution, you will have to figure out how to live further with these unexpected discoveries.

Boorishness

You unexpectedly discovered boorishness as one of his hidden qualities. Let’s imagine, an old woman hesitated at a crosswalk, and he shouted out the car’s window something in the spirit: “Grandma, you’d better sit home!”. Or he brought to tears a waitress who messed up the order. Yes, seriously we do not see here any acts of cruelty. But perhaps the key word here is “not yet”? Maybe the reason for such behavior in men is the redirected aggression. Konrad Lorenz explained this phenomenon giving the example of the relation in a pigeon flock. In a flock, birds with C rank never responded to the aggression of individuals from A and B rank, taking dutifully from them any pecks and kicks. But later, these unanswered sufferers were attacking individuals of lower rank. So now you can call lovers – doves! In the human “pack”, the scheme is approximately the same. If for a certain reason we can not pour out our anger on a real offender, we hoard and splash it out on those who are weak, dependent or not so significant and important. Therefore, it is likely that when you lose your attraction in front of your men, or you are just leaving the job because you are pregnant and must stay home, he will be convinced that now you’re not going anywhere. And you can quite take the vacant seat of the inattentive waitress (we’re not talking about role-playing games). Do not be scared and do not pack your things – just try to understand the extent to which this aggression comes. Perhaps this is a rare flash, after which he feels annoyed and embarrassed, he wants to leave a generous tip to the waitress, and help the old lady to cross the street at least five times.

Lack of tolerance

You consider the presumption of innocence the best invention since the time of the wheel and live according to the principle “all men are good until they prove the contrary.” But suddenly your beloved states: “All Muslims are terrorists” or “same-sex love should be punished based on the article,” or “they’re overrunning our country….” And you had no idea that “tolerance” is just a dirty word for him. As psychologists say, men tend to be more aggressive than woman. Yes, millions of years of evolution, cultural traditions and pleasures of parenting have left their mark. Now, they don’t even imagine how to show their aggression in other ways. No one had taught them how to do that in childhood. In the modern culture, the anger is also considered prohibited. For example, a child, in response to his attempt to express his negative feeling, gets: “How can you! Go into your room and sit there, think about your behavior! “- And this is the best case. In adulthood aggression, multiplied by live position, it is able to take the most unexpected forms. Even if a man will find a more acceptable way to “pour” his aggression (practicing sports, for example), his position in life is still not going anywhere. It is hardly possible to change a man with such obvious beliefs.

Petty theft

You suddenly caught him on a petty theft. For example, walking through the supermarket, he ate a chocolate bar and did not even think to present the wrapper at the checkout. Or he brought from work three packages of printer paper. However, he does not see a problem, because everything is logical: “The supermarket will not get poorer, and at work, they all could pay me a little more, so they still owe me.” And here we see quite a serious matter of life values. According to psychologists, these can not be negotiated. Therefore, for long-term relationships, is better to choose a partner who has life values similar to yours. It would be good to see how he behaves towards women, parents, children, animals, reach and poor people. How he relates to the criticism, how is he showing his frustration and hundred of other “how’s”. Well, not always is possible to notice them. When searching for a partner, we are often guided by the “mirror principle”. If a man is attracting us based on a number of important points, we will automatically take a decision, as if the rest will follow by itself. Suddenly, a cold shower effusions the understanding that actually you two are not so similar. There comes a moment when only you can decide if you will be able to separate dogs from fleas – love him for his kindness and generosity, and not to be terrified by his kleptomania inclinations. In the “partner vs life values” battle, the prize will be taken by principles. For example, the first wife of Ronald Reagan argued that they divorced because mainly because of the political differences.

Offensive jokes

Sadly, this is not a rare situation: all of a sudden, in the company of common friends, he begins to make in your address offensive jokes. He can, for example, in detail describe your culinary fiasco with omelet, which (haha) were planned to be pancakes. Actually, the problem is not the pancakes and not even the omelet. Such a situation is a sign that the abuser feels unloved. For example, his birthday gift wasn’t so impressive for you and you made it understand that. The man felt hurt and offended – and these feelings make a person vulnerable. One can afford such feelings only in safe situations. But if the pain is caused by the person you love, where to find this safety? There is a feeling of powerlessness, and after that comes the desire for revenge forcing the partner to experience the same. And the offensive jokes may have the message: “Have you ever thought about my feelings when you….”

Skimpiness

No, he, in general, is not skimp, but sometimes … He can create a scandal because the cashier did not give him a penny. Or he can check five times the restaurant bill and then ask for the menu and again compare all prices. And when you left the hotel, he took with him all the shampoos and even the slippers. “Ugh, what a pettiness! You think: are real men really doing that? “. Also, there are no useless statements saying “real man should …”. You can use the words “I like / dislike” and “I would like to.” Talk with your loved ones before they become for you a simply petty miser. Globally, he will not change, but he can get rid of habits that hurt you. Psychologists advise to remember the thrift as the reverse side of avarice. All these gestures may be good intensions like “all for us.” Perhaps you’ll learn something from him and stop taking huge packages of yogurt, half of which then turns out to be thrown away.

Duplicity

All of a sudden you noticed that when talking with others, he becomes completely different. Let us say, he criticize and says dirty things about his boss, but at a party, he looks right into his mouth, laughs and jokes. What is that: cowardice, inability to defend his opinion, duplicity? Here it is better not to guess. Just ask about the reasons for such unusual behavior. Maybe your husband thought about a strategy of career growth for the next two years. Yes, very nasty, but you two plan to have children, which is necessary not only to feed, but also to carry to the sea twice a year. And if you break away from the case studies, it turns out even more interesting. Experts explain: “Systemic family psychology uses the following model of personality: it is based on the core – self, the shell and pseudo self.” The more the core is, i.e. the self, the more the person is solid, independent, self-sustained. The content of pseudo-self depends on the environment, and it is very necessary to adapt to life in society. If this part of person’s identity is high, then he is highly susceptible to the environment and his behavior can vary dramatically depending on the circumstances. Is it peaceful and quiet? He will show all his best qualities. But under adverse conditions, he will defend only the content of the Self, which is as of high importance. Only then it will be possible to see how big the Self is and what was inside. And only you can decide whether to live with such Self.

And finally we would like to tell you a story: once upon a time, there was a well-known children’s psychoanalyst Françoise Dolto. Parents brought their children to her and asked to cure them, for example, from enuresis or kleptomania. Dolto asked parents: “Are your child suffering from this?”. Parents shrugged: “We do not know, we have never asked, but it seems they do not.” “And who suffers?”. “We suffer” – came to the conclusion parents. And Dolto invariably answered: “Those who suffer are those who need help.” The moral of the story is that if actions and words of another person hurt you, but it is not a question of physical or mental violence, then this is also an occasion to better understand yourself.

But some things just can not be ignored: you risk losing not only the relationship, but also yourself. For example:

  • cruelty and physical violence – no matter in whose address, your or another weaker person,
  • uncontrolled jealousy,
  • insults in your address and the address of your relatives (his, too, are not the best)
  • limitation of your circle of friends,
  • total control,
  • frank chauvinism,
  • regular betrayal,
  • alcohol and other addiction, destroying his and your life,
  • tendency to stand on the side of those who are against you in difficult situations.

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